


Royal Disasters

by bylemon



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:47:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26371414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bylemon/pseuds/bylemon
Summary: queenofnaps: wellqueenofnaps: i needed the lecture notes but also i’ve had an idea for this group chat for a whilequeenofnaps: so i decided to kill two birds with one stoneur so valid: wait don’t kill birdsteba: it’s a figure of speechteba: duhspeak up changed teba’s screen name to pissbaby
Relationships: Link/Prince Sidon, Mipha/Zelda (Legend of Zelda)
Comments: 39
Kudos: 281





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i had a revelation at 2am and wrote this mess  
> zelda: queenofnaps  
> link: speak up  
> mipha: ur so valid  
> daruk: gentle giant  
> revali: mothman  
> urbosa: adult supervision  
> sidon: gay fish man  
> yunobo: rocks are neat  
> teba: (first its just teba) pissbaby  
> riju: ur mom haha

queenofnaps created royal disasters

queenofnaps added speak up, ur so valid, gentle giant, mothman, adult supervision, gay fish man, rocks are neat, teba, and ur mom haha

queenofnaps: DOES ANOYONE HAVE LAST WEEKS PHYSICS LECTURE

teba: what the fuck

ur so valid: i only have the last half, but i can still send that if it helps!

queenofnaps: THANK YOU YOU SRE AN ANGEL

adult supervision: u ok zel? 

queenofnaps: i’m just doing review for a test

queenofnaps: anD I CANT FIND THIS DAMN LECTURE

speak up: oh i have it

queenofnaps: of course u do

speak up: k maybe i won’t send it

queenofnaps: PLEASE

queenofnaps: IM SORRY

speak up: it sent

queenofnaps: thankyousomuch

mothman: hey so what the fuck are this

gay fish man: are this

mothman: shut

queenofnaps: well

queenofnaps: i needed the lecture notes but also i’ve had an idea for this group chat for a while

queenofnaps: so i decided to kill two birds with one stone

ur so valid: wait don’t kill birds 

teba: it’s a figure of speech

teba: duh

speak up changed teba’s screen name to pissbaby

pissbaby: LINK

gay fish man: HAHSHDHDHF

queenofnaps: I AM

speak up: :)

pissbaby: CHANGE THAT SHIT BEFORE I DROPKICK YOU TO HYLIA

speak up: don’t disrespect mipha or i will :)

queenofnaps: oh shit

mothman: wasn’t aware that that was a thing

ur so valid: that what was a thing? 

mothman: u and link? 

ur so valid: NO???.

speak up: revali i’m gay and protective 

speak up: and also trained in most forms of combat

speak up: just as a reminder 

mothman: oh! 

rocks are neat: how did u not 

rocks are neat: know? 

mothman: somE OF US

mothman: STRUGGLE WITH SOCIAL QUES

gentle giant: does that count as a social que when link is literally the most obvious motherfucker on the planet 

rocks are neat: i think technically yes but ur right and u should say it

speak up: idk weather to agree or be offended 

queenofnaps: they aren’t wrong and you can’t deny it

pissbaby: i don’t care if ur gay i will snap you in half

speak up: and i’ll scoop out ur eyes with ur kneecaps wanna fukien go

queenofnaps: keep in mind teba ur talking to the kid who’s classically trained in like every form of combat

gay fish man: i never forget that

ur so valid: we GET IT

gay fish man: i just think it’s neat

ur mom haha: yeah sure champ

speak up: huh

ur mom haha: ANYWAY 

adult supervision: how have you already threatened to kill someone link

speak up: teba mocked mipha

adult supervision: teba u know better

pissbaby: I GET THREATENED AND IM SCOLDED

queenofnaps: the threats were justified u mocked mipha

mothman: yeah bro i can’t even defend u on this one

pissbaby has left the chat

ur mom haha: ope

adult superrvision added pissbaby

pissbaby: damn it

adult supervision: if you leave here i’ll just go to ur house and give u a talk in person

gentle giant: bro just accept it u mocked mipha, deal with the consequences

ur so valid: hey be nice guys 

speak up: i cannot be nice to a heathen 

pissbaby: i believe in hylia???

speak up: then start praying bitch

gay fish man: OHKSMMDDMJ

queenofnaps: LINK EYE

ur so valid: OH MY LORD

pissbaby: fear

speak up: good

queenofnaps: i forget how fucking terrifying link is

rocks are neat: i only know fear


	2. Enter Paya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> paya is here and they gays plan dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do not have a set schedule for updating this i’m just bored and lonely in quarantine 
> 
> alsO bazz is gonna be added soon bc i think he’s neat, as well as beedle

ur mom haha: yo what the fuck is up with sidon

queenofnaps: what do u mean

ur mom haha: why is he crying so damn loud

ur so valid: he’s being dramatic

gay fish man: WHY MUST THE WORLD HATE ME

queenofnaps: what

speak up: what happened 

ur so valid: his swim team friend beat him in a race that’s literally it

gay fish man: CAN I CALL MYSELF THE CAPTAIN EVEN IF IVE LOST

gentle giant: uhhhh yeah

ur so valid: daruk how the fuck did that actually calm him down

gentle giant: you don’t have to be the best swimmer to be the captain

gentle giant: you just gotta be the best ladder

ur so valid: ladder

gay fish man: daruk

gay fish man: you have enlightened me

gay fish man: thank you, my friend! 

gentle giant: no problem man

speak up: hey can i add a friend? i don’t think u all know her but she’s chill

queenofnaps: go ahead

ur so valid: yea!!!!!

speak up added papaya

papaya: owo what’s this

mothman: that was a mistake

ur mom haha: cursed

ur mom haha: i love it

papaya: anyway i am paya i’m one of links study pals

queenofnaps: he doesn’t have many of those

speak up: i can’t deny it

papaya: who r all of u

queenofnaps: i’m zelda, i’m a junior this year 

ur so valid: i’m mipha! i’m a senior

ur so valid: ‘gay fish man’ is my brother

gay fish man: i’m sidon and i’m a junior too

ur mom haha: and i’m riju im a sophomore

rocks are neat: oh hi 

rocks are neat: i’m yunobo, also a sophomore 

adult supervision: i’m riju’s older sister and technically her legal guardian

adult supervision: i’m a sophomore in college 

papaya: oh dang

papaya: mad respect 

adult supervision: thanks 

gentle giant: i’m daruk and i am a senior! 

gentle giant: and yunobo is my cousin

rocks are neat: yep that me

speak up: the other two are assholes that probably won’t introduce themselves

speak up: they’re both juniors, mothman is revali and the other one is teba

speak up: u can ignore them tho 

papaya: oh okay sounds neato 

ur mom haha: NEATO

ur mom haha: i love u already

papaya: thank u 

pissbaby: fuck off link i coulda introduced my self 

speak up: but would you have

pissbaby: YES

speak up: .

pissbaby: ok no. i wouldn’t have. 

mothman: i’m at work otherwise i would have

papaya: either way it’s nice 2 meet u all

queenofnaps: it’s our pleasure! 

gay fish man: i think this calls for group dinner 

mothman: why

gay fish man: so we can get to know paya!

queenofnaps: it’s settled group dinner 

speak up: group dinner

gay fish man: PERFECT mipha and i will host

ur so valid: dads ok with it

queenofnaps: GREAT

queenofnaps: fyi this is mandatory

queenofnaps: no getting out of it

pissbaby: fine but i’m only going for free food

mothman: shit that seals the deal for me

speak up: can we have noodle weenie dogs

queenofnaps: absolutely not next idea

gay fish man: sushi

gentle giant: i was thinking pasta

rocks are neat: SPAGHETTI PLS 

gay fish man: we can do spaghetti 

queenofnaps: perfect! ill buy supplies n shit

speak up: u free right now? i could drive us to the store

queenofnaps: sure 

mothman: link has his license? 

queenofnaps: link has a motorcycle

gay fish man: WHAT

ur mom haha: oh god 

gay fish man: that’s very cool haha wow

ur so valid: how did u not know? he literally drove over on it like a week ago

gay fish man: i dONT PAY ATTENTION

ur mom haha: obviously 

mothman: how in the fuck can you afford a motorcycle in high school 

mothman: don’t u live on ur own? 

speak up: yeah

speak up: it was my dads he taught me all about it when i was a kid and when he passed i inherited it

mothman: oh

mothman: sorry

speak up: it’s fine dude 

ur so valid: dad said y’all can head over whenever you want! 

adult supervision: sounds great riju and i will be there soon 

gentle giant: ye i’ll bring yunobo

mothman: i suppose i shall drag teba over

pissbaby: bitch

queenofnaps: link and i are on the way with food!

gay fish man: what abt paya

papaya: oh send me ur address i’ll drive over!

gay fish man: mk i’ll dm u

gay fish man: see y’all soon!


	3. Mario Kart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> operation sidlink and riju the twitch streamer

ur mom haha to: queenofnaps, ur so valid, gentle giant, rocks are neat, mothman, pissbaby, adult supervision, and papaya

ur mom haha: so what we have learned 

ur mom haha: link is the only decent chef among us

ur mom haha: and sidon is a disaster

queenofnaps: yeah 

adult supervision: these bitches gays. good for them, good for them

pissbaby: i just fucking want this bullshit to end already 

ur mom haha: or maybe ur jealous that no one will ever love ur salty ass

adult supervision: RIJU

adult supervision: sweet burn

ur mom haha: thank u i try

queenofnaps: but we really need to help them bc sidon is hopeless and link

queenofnaps: well

mothman: is dumb 

queenofnaps: yeah

ur so valid: i love the dude but he doesn’t seem to understand genuine human affection

adult supervision: yes! so it is up to us to get these gay fools together! 

adult supervision changed the name to **Operation Sidlink**

ur mom haha: very fitting, yes i like this

** Royal Disasters **

gay fish man: thank you all that was very nice

queenofnaps: we should do that stuff more often 

queenofnaps: before we’re all adults with lives

speak up: gross! never speak again!

ur mom haha: while i may be an adult one day

ur mom haha: bold of u to assume that i’d ever get a life

adult supervision: i love u and all but

adult supervision: there’s a limit 

adult supervision: pls move out at some point i beg u

ur mom haha: i will i promise

ur mom haha: i’ll do it with all the money i get from twitch streaming 

speak up: that is honestly completely valid

adult supervision: as long as ur safe 

ur mom haha: huh. it was easier to get permission for that than i thought. 

adult supervision: hey i’ve seen how much people can make from that shit

adult supervision: go for it

gentle giant: aww how supportive 

adult supervision: just know i will eviscerate anyone who dare wrong you

ur mom haha: i don’t doubt that

queenofnaps: i just had an idea

queenofnaps: how about we have a group sleepover at my house next friday and we set up riju’s first twitch stream

queenofnaps: and it will be a mario kart tournament 

speak up: on god i will blast u all to hell

adult supervision: BRING IT SHORTSTACK

ur mom haha: that sounds lovely we’re in

papaya: i heard mario kart

papaya: ABSOLUTELY i’m in

queenofnaps: i forgot how competitive link and urbosa are jesus

gentle giant: well this group has been a pleasure to be a part of but it looks like the end is near

speak up: i’ll see u all in mario kart hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can u just imagine the gang sitting around the tv like “wow that character named link looks a lot like link thats kinda funny”


	4. 3am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zelda is tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don’t know if you could tell but inspo for this fic hits me ONLY at 2am and in short bursts

queenofnaps: what is up my funky pals

speak up: go to bed!

speak up: please!

queenofnaps: i wanna talk to my funky pals

queenofnaps: my brethren 

queenofnaps: my cool dudes

ur mom haha: is she ok?

speak up: she’s been texting me like this for an hour and i think she’s exhausted 

adult supervision: either that or she’s drunk

adult supervision: wait riju why are you awake 

ur mom haha: uR AWAKE 

adult supervision: but i’m an adult 

adult supervision: you’re a child who has school at like 8am

ur mom haha: ur not my mom

adult supervision: bitch? close enough?

queenofnaps: haha bc you’re her guardian. or somthing 

speak up: GO TO BED

gay fish man: i personally think this is very entertaining

speak up: of course you do

ur so valid: sweetheart please go to bed

queenofnaps: i will. consider

speak up: OH SO WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND TELLS U

queenofnaps: i actually. lik e her

ur so valid: are we not discussing the girlfriend oart

ur so valid: i think that’s a thing to talk about 

ur so valid: haha what!

queenofnaps: oh yeah she’s not my girlfriend

ur so valid: yeah link

queenofnaps: yet

ur so valid: YET.??????

speak up: ah 

speak up: she becomes bold when tired, apparently 

ur so valid: :)

gay fish man: oh my god this is hilarious 

ur so valid: SHUT UP 

gay fish man: my sister is a panicked gay

ur so valid: LITERALLY LOOK AT YOUR USERNAME

gay fish man: at least i admit it

queenofnaps: is it so wrong to think my female compadre is so beautiful that it makes me cry

ur so valid: auhshhsajjjkkaodl

speak up: no but you need to GO TO BED

ur so valid: i. second that

ur so valid: strongly

queenofnaps: fine but only cause the oretyy one said so

adult supervision: this is the sapphic representation we deserve

ur mom haha: we don’t deserve anything

ur mom haha: but this is the representation we needed

adult supervision: you’re so right

adult supervision: BUT GO TO BED

ur mom haha: FINE FINE

gay fish man: so anyway 

gay fish man: mipha how you feelin

ur so valid: i’m FINE 

speak up: some would say she’s thriving 

ur so valid: SHUT


	5. enter beedle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> beedle arrives at boys sleepover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don’t disrespect my mans, beedle  
> it’s 4:20 in the morning hahahha

6:38pm

gay fish man: idea!

pissbaby: no

gay fish man: boys sleepover

gay fish man: no girls

mothman: what are you, 12? 

gay fish man: what are you, a bitch? 

gentle giant: what a good idea

gay fish man: thank you my friend! 

speak up: y’all r free to come to my house

rocks r neat: are your parents like 

rocks r neat: ok with that

speak up: they are dead

rocks r neat: OH MY GOD 

rocks r neat: IM SOS ORRY FUCK

rocks r neat: I THOUGHT U WERE TEBA 

speak up: HSH ITS OK YUNOBO

mothman: don’t you have like

mothman: a guardian or relative u live with tho?

speak up: no i proved i could afford this apartment so they let me live on my own

mothman: whos they

speak up: the people

mothman: that doesn’t answer anything, actually

pissbaby: as long as you feed me i will go

gentle giant: GREAT let’s get this party started

11:08 pm

speak up: i swear to god

ur so valid: ????

ur so valid: everything ok?

speak up: so we’re playing overwatch

speak up: and my next door neighbor opened up his vent and asked if we were playing ow

speak up: so we said yes and he asked to join

speak up: basically sidon has made a new best friend

gay fish man: HIS NAMES BEEDLE AND HES A FUKIN LEGEND

gay fish man: he’s a fucking GOD at reinhardt

gentle giant: and i though i was a decent reinhardt main

gay fish man: link why have you never introduced us

speak up: uh idk i didn’t really think of it

gay fish man added bugman 

gay fish man: the man the myth the legend

bugman: ah so this is the group

bugman: what is UP everyone

papaya: wait wait i remember beedle

papaya: wasn’t there rumors about him being a drug dealer

bugman: oh my god yes there was

bugman: i don’t sell drugs tho

bugman: i DO sell pastries and bugs

bugman: not together tho they’re separate business 

papaya: huh

papaya: strange combo but that’s valid

queenofnaps: oh beedle! i’ve heard about u

bugman: bc the drug dealer stuff?

queenofnaps: no! link talks about you sometimes

queenofnaps: he says you’re a cool guy so i trust him

queenofnaps: it’s hard to get link to notice people let alone talk to them enough to become friends

bugman: liiINK YOU TALK ABOUT ME 

speak up: sometimes

bugman: i feel so flattered 

queenofnaps: well it’s a pleasure to have u here 

bugman: i’m glad to have been added

gay fish man: ME TOO

gay fish man: A LEGEND SUCH AS YOURSELF DESERVES RECOGNITION 

bugman: i’ve never felt so loved

speak up: sidon has that effect 

queenofnaps: maybe on u

speak up: what

queenofnaps: it’s great to have you here beedle!


	6. Mipha and Zelda Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what the title says

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to back updates? yeah, because i have no life

Direct message: speak up>queenofnaps 

speak up: so

queenofnaps: what do you WANT

speak up: u n mipha

queenofnaps: what about it

speak up: have u talked to her?

queenofnaps: NO 

queenofnaps: i’m too embarrassed after the 3am adventures from a few nights ago

speak up: look

speak up: even if she doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, which she obviously does, she could never hate you or turn you away

speak up: just talk to her

queenofnaps: only if u talk to sidon about ur feelings

speak up: OFF TOPIC

queenofnaps: but you’re right

queenofnaps: i need to talk to her.

speak up: mhm now go get ur lesbian gf

queenofnaps: SHUT

-

Direct message: queenofnaps>ur so valid

queenofnaps: hey can we talk?

queenofnaps: like in person 

ur so valid: is everything ok?

queenofnaps: yes! yes i just

queenofnaps: want to talk

ur so valid: of course! we can meet at that coffee shop we all like

queenofnaps: ok, when can you get there?

ur so valid: i’ll leave now!

queenofnaps: AH ok i will too

-

Breathing in the crisp fall air, Zelda rushed down the crowded city sidewalks. She knew the path to the coffee shop well enough to not need directions. Her eyes were glued to the pavement as she expertly weaved through the crowds of people meandering about on their days off from work and school. However, Zeldas mind was overrun with thoughts of a certain redhead that she had become infatuated with. 

Breathe, Zelda. Breathe.

She was doing her best to hold back tears and calm her rapidly beating heart. Her stomach was endlessly knotted up with anxiety and dread. The blonde turned a corner and started at the glass doors of the roast house. She spotted the redhead in the window, sitting elegantly at a table next to the window. 

Zeldas breath hitched as Mipha looked up and made eye contact, smiling gently and waving. Here goes, Zelda thought, taking a deep breath and pushing open the transparent doors. 

“Hi!” Mipha cheerily greeted the panicked blonde as she sat across from her. 

“Hi, Mipha,” Zelda returned the smile.

“ What’s up? Is everything ok?” Miphas cheer quickly turned to worry, a hand reaching out to hold Zeldas. 

“Everything’s fine, i promise!” Zelda did her best to smile happily at the girl, “I just, gah, i don’t know where to start or how to word this.”

“It’s ok, take your time. We aren’t in a hurry,” Miphas gentle smile slowly crawled across her face once again as she squeezed Zeldas hand. 

After a beat of silence, Zelda sighed and began, “You remember the other night when i was tired and started talking about the girlfriend stuff?” Zelda burst out in one breath.

Miphas smile grew once again, “Yes, it was quite entertaining thinking back on it.” 

“Well first off, I wanted to apologize if i made you uncomfortable in any way,” Zeldas emerald eyes stared watering slightly.

“Oh no, honey, I know you were tired and not thinking straight!” 

“Secondly, i wanted to say, it was partially... true?” Zelda looked down at the table, not sure if she wanted to see Miphas reaction.

“Zel,”

“What i’m trying to say, Mipha, is that I really like you, and I wasn’t sure how to go about telling you, and the other night just made me embarrassed and no doubt confused you, and I just- I just,” Zelda took a shaky breath and closed her eyes to try and keep any tears at bay.

“Zelda. Look at me, please,” Mipha gently squeezed the girls hand.

Zeldas eyes slowly opened as she raised her head to meet Miphas.

“The other night, it did confuse me. I’ve spent the last two years trying to come to terms with how I felt for you,” Mipha smiled gently, “I was terrified to talk to you about it, and i was certain I’d get rejected or made fun of. For that reason, I tried to ignore it, and tried to convince myself it would go away,” 

Zelda didn’t know when her tears started falling.

“The other night gave me hope, made me realize I wouldn’t ever stop caring for you,” Mipha brought a hand to her own face to wipe away her tears that had begun falling, “But I was still too much of a coward to say anything.” 

Zelda wiped at her tears, before reaching up to grab their conjoined hands with her free hand. 

“Mipha, I’d like to try and make this work.” 

“I would love that, sweetheart. Let’s start with this coffee date, shall we?” 

Zelda giggled through her sniffles, nodding, and Miphas smile grew and overtook her face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just really like my girls ok


	7. The Good News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mipha and zelda tell the group

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i actually kinda have a plot idea for this fic, which is crazy considering that this is just a big shitpost

speak up: wait for it

gay fish man: wait for what? 

gentle giant: what does that mean 

queenofnaps: GUESS WHO HAS A GIRLFRIEND

papaya: GASP

adult supervision: WHAT,

ur mom haha: no way

gay fish man: OH MY GOD WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

ur so valid: me!

papaya: GASP x2

ur mom haha: NO WAY

adult supervision: GLORIOUS! 

speak up: see zel i told u u could do it

rocks r neat: thATS AMAZING IM SO HAPPY FOR U TWO

queenofnaps: THANK YOU!!!!

ur so valid: thank you!

mothman: cool

queenofnaps: thanks revali 

mothman: yeah

pissbaby: congrats

papaya: THISISSOGREAT

papaya: wlw make my heart soar

gentle giant: AHAHAHA MY WONDERFUL WLW FRIENDS

gentle giant has changed their name to sapphic protector 

sapphic protector: THIS IS WONDROUS NEWS

queenofnaps: thank you daruk! 

ur so valid: i knew daruk would be a lesbian protector

ur so valid: or i suppose a wlw protector, he doesn’t discriminate

bugman: that’s great news, may i interest you in a celebratory cake or horned beetle? 

queenofnaps: uhhh i’ll take a fruitcake

queenofnaps: hard pass on the beetle

bugman: anything for the newly taken woman ;)

ur so valid: that is ver y sweet of you beedle

bugman: would you like cake as well mipha?

ur so valid: i’m good i’ll just have some of zels 

gay fish man: I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT

ur so valid: oh god

gay fish man: this is great i’m so happy that my gay senses are still operational

ur so valid: ur not happy that i’ve found happiness

queenofnaps: aWWWWSSHF

gay fish man: that is part of my happiness, dear sister

speak up: i’m so proud of u two gays rn

speak up: they learn so quickly 

queenofnaps: stfu link u still haven’t addressed ur feelings 

speak up: OFF TOPIC

queenofnaps: WHEN WILL IT BE ON TOPIC

speak up: the day i will address that is the day that the goddess herself descends from the heavens and says i need too

queenofnaps: i’ll see what i can arrange 

speak up: shut up! you fucking cryptid! 


	8. Link the Old People Whisperer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> link talks to old people a lot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so after this chapter i will start including my semi-plot idea,be warned that there will be medical trauma but i promise no one dies

papaya: i’m losing my mind 

ur so valid: what’s wrong?

papaya: link is over at my house to study for or history class

papaya: and now him and my grandma are in a very in-depth conversation about,,,

papaya: i don’t even know what it’s about it doesn’t make sense to me

queenofnaps: his ability to get along with the elderly continues to fascinate me

ur so valid: literally he gets along with my dad so well? 

queenofnaps: AND MINE???

mothman: i’m so glad i’m not the only one that’s noticed this

mothman: sometimes he talks to my old ass neighbor

mothman: sometimes he just goes over to hang out with him, not even to see me, his friend who is the same age?

pissbaby: r u talking about kaneli

mothman: YES

pissbaby: that old man can’t make a coherent sentence and yet link sits with him for hours somehow

gay fish man: some of the elderly people on my dads staff ask me if link can come over more often so they can talk to him after meetings

gay fish man: it’s fuvking weird 

rocks r neat: now that you mention it, he talks to grandpa bludo whenever he’s over 

rocks r neat: they get along swimmingly 

sapphic protector: yeah now that you mention it they do hang out a lot

queenofnaps: link what the hell 

speak up: what

speak up: oh! 

speak up: they’re fun to talk to? as long as they don’t make racist or homophobic or ableist comments i like talking to them

queenofnaps: r u an old people whisperer 

papaya: that’s the only logical conclusion 

papaya: grandma is barely that animated when talking to me

papaya: i’m kinda jealous how do you do it

speak up: i talk about old timey things like newspapers

ur so valid: it’s just a talent that he has

gay fish man: one of the many

ur so valid: we get it

gay fish man: not this again

speak up: what do we get?

ur so valid: i can’t believe i ever had a crush on you you’re so dense

speak up: HEY

queenofnaps: she’s right

speak up:,,,,, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt

gay fish man: be nice to him he’s trying his best

ur so valid: unlike you

gay fish man: shut the hell your mouth


	9. Ope we in the hospital now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw! car crash, medical trauma
> 
> the plot thickens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes so this ones a bit heavier but i promise this ties into the plot, we’ll get to that later

7:16 PM

ur mom haha: and then link shows up in a crop top, baggy shorts and a veil

ur mom haha: and urbosa is losing her mind 

papaya: WHAHHFHV

gay fish man: link was wearing WHAT

pissbaby: oh my god screenshoting that for blackmail

rocks r neat: uh guys

rocks r neat: i think something’s wrong 

pissbaby: uh oh

pissbaby: what’s up?

rocks r neat: i’m not sure, grandpa hasn’t told me any details but he got a call from the hospital 

papaya: ?

gay fish man: dad got a call too

gay fish man: oh god he’s crying 

7:24 PM

ur mom haha: oh my god

ur mom haha: urbosa, mipha, revali, daruk, zelda, and link were in a car crash 

pissbaby: WHAT

papaya: oh?

ur mom haha: oh my god

ur mom haha: the hospital called 

ur mom haha: i live too far away i can’t walk there and i’m unemployed so i can’t call a cab

ur mom haha: oh my god what is going on

pissbaby: hold on riju i’m on my way

-

1:48 AM

adult supervision: teba

adult supervision: thank you for bringing riju here

pissbaby: i wasn’t just gonna let her panic at home

mothman: it was still a sweet gesture 

papaya: how is everyone holding up? 

adult supervision: revali and i are the only ones up rn

adult supervision: as far as i know, daruk has a concussion and a few bruised ribs

adult supervision: mipha has a broken arm and shin 

adult supervision: they won’t tell me much about link and zelda, but i’m pretty sure it’s bad

mothman: from what i’ve heard, neither of them have woken up since getting here and they’re both in intensive care

pissbaby: jesus

papaya: do they know who hit you?

adult supervision: it was a hit and run

adult supervision: there weren’t any cameras on that stretch of road

mothman: what a fucking loser 

mothman: smh now i can’t even find the person and fight em

pissbaby: well i’m just glad you’re all ok 

adult supervision: awwww you care about us

pissbaby: well yeah a little i guess

adult supervision: :) ur soft

pissbaby: IM ALLOWED TO BE CINCERNED TWO OF U ARE LIKE DYING

adult supervision: i’m just teasing! relax

pissbaby: u know u two should go to bed

pissbaby: i’ll bring coffee in the morning

adult supervision: soft

pissbaby: SHUT

-

10:37 AM

queenofnaps sent a photo

queenofnaps: i lived bitch

adult supervision: OH THANK GOD

ur so valid: oh my god you punk ass bitch

queenofnaps: i love you too

ur so valid: DO NOT SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN

queenofnaps: i had broken ribs and they had to do surgery to fix it

queenofnaps: i think i have metal in my chest now which makes me officially a cyborg 

ur so valid: jesus christ

queenofnaps: link still hasn’t woken up,but he’s stable

queenofnaps: we’re still in the ICU but we’re gonna be getting moved to our own room this afternoon so y’all can visit then

queenofnaps: hopefully links awake by then

gay fish man: can i ask what happened to him? 

queenofnaps: the nurse said he punctured a lung and had metal embedded in his side, he’s on some powerful anesthesia so that’s mainly why he’s still asleep

papaya: is he gonna be ok? 

queenofnaps: yeah, but he has a long recovery ahead of him

papaya: granny and i will bring you and him some food this afternoon 

papaya: she’s worried sick about you two

queenofnaps: that would be lovely 

ur so valid: can i say i’m ur wife and go see u rn

queenofnaps: i don’t think so

queenofnaps: they’re about to move us tho i’ll let u know so u and sidon can come visit

ur so valid: :)

pissbaby: i’m glad you’re not dead

queenofnaps: yeah me too 

queenofnaps: i still have physics homework that’s due monday

adult supervision: absolutely not??

adult supervision: just email ur prof if he doesn’t understand that u were in a car accident i’ll run him over myself

queenofnaps: i expect no less of u

adult supervision: i’d be offended if u did

bugman: jesus christ i turn off notifications for one day and my best client is in a god damn coma

queenofnaps: HES NOT IN A COMA

bugman: he better not be mothefucker owes me $12 in baked goods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i just started getting into the linked universe au by jojo on tumblr and insta and if ur here u should go check it out cause it’s so good


	10. Links’s awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haha sick legend of zelda reference with the title bro ahaha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones p short srry  
> also i’m going to try and include the who’s who list at the beginning of chapters from now on, sorry if anyone was confused!!!!  
> zelda: queenofnaps  
> link: speak up  
> mipha: ur so valid   
> daruk: sapphic protector   
> revali: mothman  
> urbosa: adult supervision   
> sidon: gay fish man  
> yunobo: rocks are neat  
> teba: pissbaby  
> riju: ur mom haha  
> paya: papaya  
> beedle: bugman

speak up: what’s up fuckers

sapphic protector: LINK!!,,

papaya: UR ALIVE!!!

speak up: unfortunately 

rocks r neat: :( 

gay fish man: :( 

speak up: existence is crippling 

ur mom haha: oof i felt that one

queenofnaps: is anyone willing to bring my chem notes to professor purah 

adult supervision: jesus christ you need REST

speak up: yeah her idea of rest is taking chem notes

adult supervision: wait u do that out if BOREDOM??

queenofnaps: yeah what else should i do

adult supervision: ANYTHING BUT THAT??

ur so valid: darling, i’ll bring purah your notes if you promise to go to bed 

queenofnaps: FINE 

queenofnaps: ur all losers 

ur so valid: losers that care about your health

queenofnaps: :(

ur so valid: :) 

speak up: oh to not be lonely 

queenofnaps: shut up you hopeless gay

ur so valid: he’s not entirely hopeless, just dumb 

queenofnaps: u have a point

speak up: i almost DIED

speak up: AND IM STILL MADE FUN OF

queenofnaps: that’s ur own damn fault lmao

ur so valid: i can’t say i disagree with zel

gay fish man: LINK

gay fish man: i’m on my way to ur hospital room with 20 chicken mcnuggets 

speak up: WEAWY

gay fish man: yes weawy

speak up: i’m gonna cry 

queenofnaps: on god he’s actually tearing up

speak up: i really like food

gay fish man: we know honey

ur so valid: wow what a first date

ur so valid: almost tops mine and zels simultaneous mental breakdown at a coffee shop

speak up: mcdonald’s on a hospital bed gay vs mental breakdown coffee shop lesbian

queenofnaps: what’s the difference 

gay fish man: emotional stability?

ur so valid: debatable 


	11. Immortality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> link and zelda go home and talk about immortality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am SO SORRY ITS BEEN SO LONG i have had very little motivation so tak this shitpost i promise there will be more plot soon i am just: unmotivated  
> zelda: queenofnaps  
> link: speak up  
> mipha: ur so valid   
> daruk: sapphic protector   
> revali: mothman  
> urbosa: adult supervision   
> sidon: gay fish man  
> yunobo: rocks are neat  
> teba: (first its just teba) pissbaby  
> riju: ur mom haha  
> paya: papaya  
> beedle: bugman

speak up: RIJU. 

speak up: I WAS READING THE CHAT FROM THE NIGHT OF THE CRASH.

speak up: I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHY U WERE TALKING ABOUT THE OUTFIT

ur mom haha: wouldn’t u like to know 

speak up: YEAH THATS WHY I ASKED

gay fish man: lol we were telling embarrassing stories 

speak up: i can see that

speak up: BUT EHY WOULD U TELL THEM ABOUT THE OUTFIT

ur mom haha: bc u were dressed like a woman

ur mom haha: in traditional gerudo clothes 

ur mom haha: it was kinda funny

gay fish man: and not to mention u did all that for some free food

speak up: it was fucking worth it that food was good as hell

gay fish man: i’m surprised u haven’t been kidnapped bc someone promised you food and lured u into a van

speak up: bold of u to assume i haven’t 

gay fish man: ,,,,,,

gay fish man: zelda please tell me he’s lying

queenofnaps: i honestly don’t know but it wouldn’t surprise me

ur so valid: link do you have any sense of self preservation 

speak up: absolutely not next question

gay fish man: how are you not dead

speak up: zelda always says it’s the will of the goddess or some shit

speak up: personally i think it’s because i’m immortal 

queenofnaps: for the last damn time ur not immortal 

speak up: hey u can’t prove that until i die

ur mom haha: he kinda has a point 

queenofnaps: no he doesn’t?

ur mom haha: k then kill him and prove that ur right

queenofnaps: sometimes. i really want to fucking scream

adult supervision: i could feel an argument what happening 

gay fish man: link thinks he’s immortal and has convinced riju that he is

gay fish man: and zelda is losing her mind

adult supervision: usually i would be interested to see where this goes but because link and zelda are still injured i’m going to diffuse the situation 

queenofnaps: urbosa please tell him he’s not immortal

speak up: urbosa pls tell zelda she can’t definitively prove that unless she kills me

adult supervision: i am not taking sides i’m here to tell u to shut the fuck up

ur so valid: a voice of reason

queenofnaps: we’re not done talking about this link 

adult supervision: yes you are or i will text your father 

queenofnaps: fucking damn it

speak up: zel wanna play animal crossing 

queenofnaps: YES i forgive u

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh have y’all played genshin impact? it’s free on the app store and it’s very reminiscent of botw but it’s really fun u should check it out  
> 


	12. go to bed link

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> link never sleeps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY ITS BEEN SO LONG SHSNDNSN i was like “hm i’m gonna take a break from this fic im busy” and then i FORGOT GAH   
> zelda: queenofnaps  
> link: speak up  
> mipha: ur so valid   
> daruk: gentle giant  
> revali: mothman  
> urbosa: adult supervision   
> sidon: gay fish man  
> yunobo: rocks are neat  
> teba: (first its just teba) pissbaby  
> riju: ur mom haha  
> paya: papaya  
> beedle: bugman

4:24 AM

speak up: what the fuck is worcestheire sauce

speak up: worcestire

speak up: fuck

8:37 AM 

papaya: hey so what the fuck was that

queenofnaps: link jfc go to bed earlier i swear 

speak up: bold of you to assume i sleep 

queenofnaps: GO TO BED YOU NEED SLEEP TO SURVIVE

speak up: i’m fUCKING IMMORTAL

queenofnaps: oh my god. i’m losing it!

mothman: this chat has been dry as fuck for literal months and worcestersire sauce is what revived it

speak up: my power

mothman: shut up and go to bed

gay fish man: jesus christ when was the last time you slept link??

speak up: i don’t keep track

papaya: on GOD. is that even healthy?????

speak up: probably not but does it look like i care

ur so valid: please go to bed link i’m scared for ur health

speak up: i will consider it

queenofnaps: oh so you’ll listen to my giRLFRIEND

speak up: yeah actually 

queenofnaps: i’m ascending. hylia please take me home i can’t take this anymore

pissbaby: shut up i’m trying to meditate 

speak up: why the fuck are you meditating 

speak up: what the fuck?

pissbaby: my therapist suggested it 

queenofnaps: you go to therapy?

pissbaby: yea what about it

speak up: proud of u for getting help bb :)

pissbaby: shut the fuck up go to bed

speak up: fucking damn it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got a gamecube for christmas and i’ve been playing twilight princess and i’m absolutely in love, tp was the first liz game i ever saw and i’ve wanted to play it for ten whole years now and i’m finally playing and i’m love i’m very happy aAAH


	13. enter kass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kass has arrived and is here for a good time  
> zelda: queenofnaps  
> link: speak up  
> mipha: ur so valid   
> daruk: gentle giant  
> revali: mothman  
> urbosa: adult supervision   
> sidon: gay fish man  
> yunobo: rocks are neat  
> teba: (first its just teba) pissbaby  
> riju: ur mom haha  
> paya: papaya  
> beedle: bugman  
> kass: bardman

speak up: physical therapy is a bitch and i hate existing

queenofnaps: shut the fuck up and do ur exercises 

speak up: no

speak up: this is homophobia

gay fish man: not every minor inconvenience to u is homophobic

speak up: it is if i say it is 

ur mom haha: can’t argue with that logic

mothman: i’m adding a friend none of you get a say in it

speak up: uh oh

mothman added bardman 

bardman: why am i here!

queenofnaps: no offense but who are you

bardman: i am kass! 

speak up: oh the guy who sings good or some shit?

bardman: yes! 

ur mom haha: very cool nice to meet you

pissbaby: why the fuck is he here

bardman: teba! you wound me!

pissbaby: WHY DI YOU TALK LIKE THAT

speak up: i think it’s neat

speak up: adds charm

pissbaby: of course you do 

gay fish man: ah! it is a pleasure to meet you!

bardman: the pleasure is all mine, friend!

mothman: this might have been a mistake

pissbaby: REALLY????

gay fish man: i see this as an absolute win

speak up: that’s nice dear

gay fish man: :)

pissbaby: y’all are so fucking gay and i hate it

speak up: stfu u salty ass biTCH

pissbaby: you literally just called him dear that’s disgusting

gay fish man: on the contrary, i see this as an absolute win

ur so valid: we know 

queenofnaps: dear hylia i am on the verge of mental collapse

ur so valid: it’s ok just let it happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i am obsessed with genshin impact. debating making a genshin chat fic too but my brain can’t comprehend that. also i dropped out of college ahahaahahhaahhaahhaHHHHAHAHAAAAAAA


End file.
